by Mike Layne
written ?? - set March 2288
It had been quite a while since the last time Cadet-Ensign Wiikii had felt this important. A year since Lieutenant Ty'elle Dujhar, back in the Pathfinder, had entrusted him with the important task of opening the "bomb-bay" doors in the dreadnought's secondary hull, so Ty'elle and a motley crew could take the shuttle Trailblazer out on a slightly unauthorized test flight.
A lot had happened in that year... an errant AI program had tried to set a new speed record with Trailblazer... Chasing after the shuttle, Pathfinder had blown every circuit in her center nacelle and had "dumped" into Realspace from Warp 14 (Prompting quite a few credits to change hands-- especially in the dreadnought's engine room)... Some harmless robots had trundled through an inter-universal interphase greeting the Federation peacefully ("EX-TER-MIN-ATE!")... Forced into a hopeless battle with Klingon warships, Trailblazer had been lost in action, taking a "Stronger Bird" cruiser with her... Yeager had beamed out the shuttle's crew barely in time, and had, predictably enough, taken them to a Starbase for court-martial. The charges had ranged from unauthorized entry into Klingon Space (Conspiracy to Precipitate Interstellar Warfare Without Filling Out The Proper Forms) to a moving violation (Unauthorized Shuttle Launch Operations). Wiikii remembered the charges had taken five minutes to list. Not detail, just list.
Charged with such high crimes and misdemeanors, and with the precedent of Admiral Kirk's theft of the cruiser Enterprise, Lieutenant Dujhar could have realistically expected his trial to have but one possible outcome, and of course it had. Captain Dujhar found himself assigned to command the brand-new Gagarin-class survey ship John B. McKay... the ship on whose bridge Wiikii stood now, as Acting Command Duty Officer.
Karnor, sun of the Salazaar system-- slightly cooler and redder than Sol-- reflected from the compass ghost gray hull of the Yeager there on the screen. The Avenger-class frigate did not look like a tiny model starship from a holovid series. Here in real life, there were no extra lights on the back and sides of a set to illuminate her shadowed areas. The lights of the Work Bees and travel-pods moving occasionally between her and the (offscreen) starships Heimdal, Maat and Pathfinder and the Chiokis Corporation's R-7 space station could have been excellent special effects. But Wiikii was getting a little tired of watching this-- it emphasized the fact that he was the only intelligent organic lifeform on the bridge, or indeed, in all of the McKay. Over there in the starboard hangar of the Yeager, the commissioning ceremonies for McKay-- with plenty of impressive speeches-- had been followed up by a reception-- with plenty of impressive speeches (and food!). Wiikii could appreciate the reason for holding the scout's commissioning ceremony aboard the frigate, where the VIP's wouldn't be as overcrowded, but he found himself wishing he were over there with them, instead of here on the bridge, keeping an eye on Dujhar's new ship and feeling important, but getting bored, bored, bored!
It'd be different if he actually had something to do... He took the center seat, and swiveled it to and fro, experimentally. He looked down at the various pushbutton indicators (being careful not to touch any) and imagined himself as the fearless Captain Wiikii of the Federation's mightiest battle cruiser. "Helm, stand by for "Cochrane Deceleration!" the fearless Captain Wiikii commanded, "Combat, lock photon torpedoes on the lead D-10!"
"Sorry, Wiikii, but there aren't any D-10s available for tar-tar-target practice," the ship's computer reminded him.
The Artificial Intelligence program known as "Max Dreadnought" was of uncertain age and origin (some claimed it was a descendant of an AI program two centuries old called 'Maximum Overhead Clearance' or something like that), but it had first seemed to pop up aboard Pathfinder. Many who encountered it tended to personify it as "he" (Indeed, it sometimes seemed to have been encoded with that possibility in mind!), which, though illogical, made about as much sense as referring to a starship (especially one -- like McKay or Yeager -- which had been named for a man) as "she", and was kind of convenient besides! Likely, Max had been lurking in a ground-based computer, and had downloaded himself to the dreadnought when Pathfinder had been sent a library-data update. Almost as Trailblazer was being launched, Max had transferred himself to the warpshuttle's computer. In Trailblazer, Max had spent most of his time helping edit the shuttle's computer bulletin-board system and quarterly magazine, correcting (and, in some cases, inserting) typos. The program had also interfaced with the control program for a Generic Weird Alien Computer-Controlled Killing Machine, and induced it to self-destruct. (Though he received a Starfleet Commendation for this, awarded by an Admiral who likely never realized he was authorizing Battle Squadron Eleven's Commodore to pin a medal on a program, Max still felt a little remorseful -- "She had such nice algorithms...") When the Trailblazer had exploded into Sagans of little incandescent special effects, everybody had figured that was "all she encoded" for Max, but Walter Ivey Ferguson, Yeager's Communications Officer, had retrieved Max just before the explosion while attempting to transfer log and flight-recorder data from the doomed shuttle. In the computer system of the transwarp-equipped frigate, Max had decided, "I feel the need! -- THE NEED FOR SPEED!!" Yeager had reached a velocity Captain Conner had later described as "incredible, ain't it?" before Chief Helmsman Kraikginchsha could switch over to manual over-ride. Only arguments by Science Officer T'Saan that Max might qualify as an intelligent lifeform (as least as much so as Security men or Federation Marines do...), and Ferguson's worries over accidentally erasing evidence usable in Dujhar's court-martial, had kept Max from being zapped. The program had decided, however, on a change of address, and engineered his transmission into the computer of the brand-new McKay. Welcoming someone to blame for the ship's problems, Dujhar had decided to keep Max around.
"Getting b-b-bored, Wiikii?" the computer asked. On one of the Science console's screens, a rather caricature-like face appeared. A second later, a pair of antique Foster-Grant sunglasses appeared silently to cover the face's eyes. Max's movements were a little jerky, as though he were an old-fashioned movie someone occasionally snipped frames from, and raster-lines were visible on the image, despite the screen using an entirely different scanning system.
"Of course I'm bored!" Wiikii stated. "Everybody's over there on the Yeager having a great time -- even the Chiokis Company engineers who were tinkering with this ship, and I'm stuck with the duty here. But you're just a computer -- you don't know what boredom is!"
"Ah-HEM! I b-b-beg to differ! We machines think thou-thousands of times faster than you organics! Can you imagine what-what it's like to have to s-s-slow down to your speed? I knew you couldn't." The Federation Anthem (written by some little-known composer named Bravery or Valor or something like that...) began playing as background music, as behind Max there appeared onscreen fluttering in the video breeze, the flag of the Federation. "And, as far as being stuck-stuck-stuck here, my friend, you are a Star-Starfleet officer, and you must do-do-do your du-du-duty! T-take Courage!" Wiikii sometimes suspected Max adopted this odd speech pattern for reasons of his own. (The program could speak quite clearly at other times.) He'd heard another, rumor though, that the irregularities in Max's output were due to damage the original program received from an unsuccessful assassination attempt by a virus program. The background music faded out, the UFP flag vanished, and Max continued, "Be-besides which, a s-s-starship with no-no one aboard is legally a derelict, we wouldn't want Cyrano Jones or Cap-Captain Stobor to show up and claim sal-salvage rights, would you? They-they'd never get them of course, but it could get Captain Dujhar into a lot of trouble! Don't worry! I'm s-s-sure your friends saved you a piece of cake! Maybe you can pass the time by check-checking out some of the s-s-ship's systems?"
Wiikii shook his head. "No Max, every system in this manned target drone has been checked twice-over and then triple-redundantly, first by the Chiokis Company and the subcontractors during Builder's Trials, and then by Starfleet during Final Acceptance Trials! Everything!"
"Not quite!" admonished the computer. "Like a kangaroo in a minefield, you s-s-seem to be le-leaping to a conclusion."
Wiikii looked around the bridge at the blinking lights and the Gagarin-class schematics, Salazaar system data, etc. up on the screens. (All this wasn't really necessary in port, but you had to admit it made the bridge look a lot more impressive!) Incredible that something hadn't been checked out! "What'd they miss, Max?"
"No one checked the s-s-self-destruct system!"
"But the self-destruct system can't malfunction!"
"Enterprise's did."
"Wait a minute! It blew up the ship!"
Sixty seconds later, Max pointed out, "But it mal-malfunctioned nonetheless! If you want, I can s-s-show you a captured Klingon data tape proving it beyond a shad-shad-shadow of a doubt!"
"I'd like to see that. Run the tape."
Max vanished from the screen and a Klingonaase caption appeared onscreen, stating that this tape was copyrighted by the Klingon Empire, and anyone caught copying it would be vaporized. Onscreen, Wiikii saw Enterprise's bridge explode, then additional explosions blasted away half the cruiser's saucer-shaped primary hull. At the end of the sequence, Max appeared back onscreen, holding a large container of buttered popcorn and a smaller one of the centuries-old "new" Coca-Cola.
"Pretty good, wasn't it?" asked Max, finishing of the video-popcorn. "According to his testimony at the court-martial, Kirk s-s-selected 'Destruct Zero.' In that mode, the computer doesn't det-detonate the antimatter s-s-supply (as it would in 'Destruct One'), b-b-but overloads and explodes all phaser banks and onboard emergency batteries, and triggers ex-explosive charges at various locations in the primary and s-s-secondary hulls. Nonstructural bow-out panels sep-separate from the s-s-secondary hull's ventral surface, and the magnetic b-b-bottles are ejected on an escape trajectory." As Max described this, an animated starship onscreen was destroyed by an animated destruct system (to the accompaniment of the 1812 Overture). Across the bottom of the screen appeared the words "COMPUTER SIMULATION."
"Contrast this with the observed per-performance in Enterprise." Onscreen, Kirk's starship blew up once more, this time labeled "INSTANT REPLAY." "Notice that all the observed explosions occur in the primary hull. Notice also that at no time do the panels b-b-blow off or the antimatter b-b-bottles eject. Very s-s-shortly before this, Enterprise was damaged by the proximity burst of a KP-5 photon torpedo launched from the D'Gavama-class s-s-scout that made this tape. At the time, Chief Engineer Scott reported damage to the Enterprise's computer system. It's quite possible the main piping and wiring trunk , in the interconnecting dorsal, also took s-s-ome damage." A schematic of a Constitution-class cruiser appeared, then flickered and was replaced by that of an Enterprise. "S-sorry! As I recall, Enterprise's computer kept bringing up graphics of the old Constitution configuration, and Reliant's would s-s-show s-s-schematics of a nonexistent s-s-secondary hull..." On the diagram, a vital conduit in the dorsal lit up red, and an arrow appeared, labeled "TORPEDO HIT HERE." For a moment, the diagram flickered to that of a Gagarin-class survey vessel, then back to Enterprise. "Normally, this wouldn't have b-b-been any b-b-big deal, but s-s-suppose the b-b-backup links had b-b-been damaged in the earlier b-b-battle with Reliant?" "So Enterprise's self destruct system malfunctioned!" That much was now obvious, even to Wiikii. "How do we ensure it doesn't happen -- or not happen -- here, too. The only way to be sure is to test it."
"Absolutely!"
"We can't afford a malfunctioning self-destruct system!"
"Absolutely!"
"But if it does work, we'll be blown to bits testing it!"
"Absolutely!" Then Max and Wiikii realized the implications of that last statement. "Er...We really need to find a s-s-safer testing method then let-letting the s-s-ship explode..."
"Absolutely!" agreed Wiikii.
"We could test it in Destruct One mode," suggested Max. "Normally, that would result in a 'mod-moderate'-sized antimatter explosion, but, when the Andorian engineers l-left for the re-reception in Yeager, they l-left the DTG off-line. Not only would that prevent the main generator from powering up, but it locks-out the computer from sending a d-disengage command to the control processor for the emergency s-s-salvage power supply. The s-s-safety interlocks on the antimatter containment b-b-bottles would remain active, even when the count reaches z-zero, unless they were released man-manually from Engineering."
"And in plain Galacta that means..."
"The antimatter containment forcefields can't be d-dropped as long as the DTG is off-line."
"Can we test it in Destruct Zero mode, too?"
"Yes..."
"Great!"
"However, at z-zero, the s-s-ship would explode. That f-firing s-s-sequence doesn't depend on the DTG."
"Well, I guess one out of two isn't that bad. Are we gonna have to wait for Captain Dujhar and his officers to come back?"
"Not necessarily. Ty'elle did tell you, 'You are in command till I get back.' That makes you Acting Captain. S-s-since you're the only member of S-s-starfleet aboard -- in fact, the only organic b-b-being aboard -- and I'm not in the chain of command, anyway, you're also Acting Department Head for all departments..."
"And I know all the Destruct Codes and Destruct Confirmations," Wiikii recalled, "Normally, only Lieutenant Commanders and above know them, but Captain Dujhar hasn't been assigned a yeoman, so I had to type them up for him on the word processor. But can it be the same person for all three?"
"Hand on. I'll check." Max disappeared offscreen for two seconds, then popped back into view. "I had a long talk with the Destruct program. He's not all that bright -- told me he only follows orders, and his current orders don't s-s-specify they have to be three different people."
"All riight! This'll really impress Captain Dujhar! OK, let's do it!"
Max's sport coat and sunglasses switched instantaneously to the flight gear of an Imperial Japanese Navy aviator of 1944 AD, complete with samurai swords tucked into the silk sash. Katana, wakazashi, and sash did not interfere with the parachute he wasn't wearing. The flying helmet's goggles tinted themselves as Max lowered them over his eyes. He then tied a Kamikaze headband about his forehead, and bowed stiffly. "Hai!"
"Computer, this is Acting Captain Wiikii of U.S.S. McKay. Destruct Sequence One -- Code One, One-A."
"Destruct S-s-sequence One, One-A-confirmed." Max announced, as "CODE 1-1A" appeared on a screen at the Science console.
"Computer, this is Acting Security Chief Wiikii of U.S.S. McKay. Destruct Sequence Two -- Code One, One-A, Two-B."
Wiikii had been a little unsure on that one. Was it "Two-B" -- or not? But Max announced, "Destruct S-s-sequence Two, One-A, Two-B confirmed." "CODE 1-1A-2B" appeared below the first code.
"Computer, this is Acting Science Officer Wiikii of U.S.S. McKay. Destruct Sequence Three -- Code One-B, Two-B, Three."
Those numbers and letters appeared below the other two sets, as Max (who didn't sound a bit like Majel Barrett Roddenberry) announced, "Destruct S-s-sequence completed and engaged. Await-awaiting f-f-final code for six-six-sixty second countdown."
This was it. "Code Zero, Zero, Zero, Destruct One."
Superimposed over "Kamikaze Max"'s image on the viewscreen was a large number 60. Max began counting down, verbally and visually. "S-s-sixty seconds...Fifty-nine..."
At detonation minus thirty seconds, the doors of the turbolift slid open, and Wiikii was no longer the only organic being on the bridge. Out of the turbolift stepped not only Captain Ty'elle Dujhar, but Captain Jerry Conner (CO of Yeager), Commander Michael Layne (First Officer of Yeager), Commander Llandhe t'Reilri (First Officer of Pathfinder), Commander T'Saan (Science Officer of Yeager) Lieutenant Trudye Horton (Legal Officer/Assistant Security Officer of Pathfinder), Second Lieutenant Rhiannon (one of the Communication Techs in Pathfinder's Marine Detachment), and Lieutenant Commander Montor Barrington (First Officer of the McKay).
"They are bigger on the inside than they are on the outside!" Commander t'Reilri concluded as the eight people disembarked from the turbolift. Layne and Barrington were paying no attention to interdimensionally transcendental turbolifts (or to Wiikii's countdown). Layne had once been assigned to the staff of the UFP Consul on Barrington's homeworld of Avalon, and had been warranted as a herald by the Avalonian Royal College of Arms (in addition to the heraldic warrant from the college of arms of the Society for Creative Anachronism (which, despite it being now Anno Soceitatus CCLVII, still retained its cutoff date of 1650 A.D.)). He and Barrington knew many of the same knights, squires guildsmen and damsels. At the moment, they were discussing a tourney-- with nonlethal weapons-- that Layne had heralded.
"...so the starps came loose, and Lord Sir Rhinohyde's shield dropped onto the list-field. Of course, the Knight-Marshal cried 'Hold!'"
On the screen, unnoticed by any of the newer arrivals, the countdown halted at thirteen seconds. Below the number now appeared the word HOLDING, in flashing red letters.
"What's this 'Hold'?" T'Saan asked Layne.
"It's a command that means 'Freeze!' or 'Stop whatever you're doing immediately!'-- it'll stop a fighter, or most other Avalonians, in their tracks. It generally warns of an at least potentially dangerous situation, so if you hear it, you stop, then ask why the hold was called! It might mean one of the fighters is about to step into a hole, or that a child has wandered onto the list-field, or, as in this case, that someone's armor or shield has come loose or broken..."
"Many of us hate to admit it," Barrington added, "but we borrowed the word from the S.C.A.. So Ethan brought him a new shield out, right?"
"Not exactly-- seems Ethan Allpynte had wandered off in search of mead again. Beats me Montor, how he ever got his red belt."
"Political influence of course. But still, he ought to be aware of a squire's responsibilities... So who brought out Sir Rhinohyde's other shield? His Lady?"
Layne grinned. "Well, Lady Fordor Shynie handed me her Lord's other shield, and I ran it out there to him. Sir Rhinohyde didn't say anything, but Sir Derek of Bucyrus-Erie-- his opponent-- helped me lift the broken shield, and said,'Thy job encompasses may things, Milord Herald.'"
"To which thou said..."
"'Most assuredly, Sir Knight!' As soon as I cleared the Eric-- the boundary rope of the list-field, T'Saan--"
"Why is it called that?"
"Bit of a tale behind that one, Milady," Barrington Stated. "But it can wait. I suppose the Knight-Marshal called 'Lay on!' just as you got to the Eric?"
"I was just ducking under it with my arms full of shield. Brionny was kind enough to hold the Eric up there so I didn't have to get down on my knees. I was surprised the Knight-Marshall waited that long, too. When you're a Herald in Lord Thorgrimm Smallfalkyn's list, you've got to be quick!"
"And what does 'Lay on!' mean?" asked t'Reilri
"It means 'Continue,'' explained Layne.
Onscreen the countdown resumed. Yeager's First Officer was unaware that he had first saved, then doomed, the McKay and all aboard.
Down in Engineering, the McKay's Chief Engineering Officer, Lieutenant Barten Banzai, was showing Yeager Chief Engineering Officer Ken Wright and Pathfinder Assistant Engineer Quaver Rhapsody his domain.
"Ach, luik 'ere, lads!" Wright pointed to the off-line DTG. "Bluiddy Andorrrian engineerrrs left 'errr oot o' th' cirrrcuit!"
"Shouldn't take more than a second or two to fix," added Quaver Rhapsody.
"Yeah," Lieutenant Banzai agreed, bringing the doubletalk generator on-line. "You gotta watch these civilians or they'll blow up the ship!"
"Hi, Wiikii," said Captain Dujhar, pulling a plastic wrapped piece of cake from a bag and preparing to hand it to Wiikii. "Boring watch, huh?"
"Well, I've had Max to talk to."
"What's Max got to say?" Dujhar asked. And then the realization hit him like the Fesarius...
"Five..." Max was saying. "Four..."
"Aaack!" cried eight people.
That wasn't the magic word.
"Three..."
"Hold!!!" cried eight people.
"Holding," said Max, the word also appearing onscreen beneath the number "2."
Ty'elle Dujhar was not one to panic. He had that special quality of calm grace in dangerous situations, of coolness when problems boiled over. So very coolly and calmly he said, "Computer-this-is-Captain-Ty'elle-Dujhar-Code-One-Two-Three-Continuity-Abort-Destruct!"
"S-s-self-destruct has b-b-been c-c-cancelled, reported Max. The number and the HOLDING indication were no longer superimposed over Max onscreen. "That's b-b-better! Do you have any idea how difficult it can b-b-be to s-s-see around those b-b-big numbers?"
"Two whole seconds left..." Layne's comment trailed off as Captain Conner glared at him, and he kept to himself just how hardly exciting it had been.
"What was going on there?" Captain Dujhar demanded.
"Wiikii and I were tes-testing the s-s-self-destruct s-s-system," Max stated.
"Right!" said Dujhar. "By blowing up the ship? Max, I just got this ship, and already you and Wiikii are trying to blow it up! Can't you two leave that to the Klingons?"
"Oh, she wouldn't have blown up, sir," Wiikii reassured him. The DTG was off-line and the ship can't--"
"Ah, Wiikii--"
"Not now, Max! We're in enough trouble..."
"But I couldn't tell you while count-count-counting down, and when the count was on 'Hold', there was no reason to--"
"To tell him what?" demanded Dujhar.
The turbolift door opened and the three engineers stepped onto the bridge.
"Those Chiokis engineers left the doubletalk generator off-line," Lieutenant Banzai reported.
"Aye," Lieutenant Wright added with pride, "But we rrrestorrred yon mathom tae operrrational status!"
"After all, you never know when Commodore Neighbors might order an Operational Readiness Inspection," Quaver Rhapsody added, "and with the DTG off-line, the ship can't power-up her antimatter reactor."
"Or explode in Destruct One..." Wiikii added disconsolately. He now knew what Max had been trying to tell him a moment ago.
With two Captains, three Commanders and a Legal Officer on hand, Wiikii envisioned his (very shortly) upcoming drumhead court-martial as short and exciting.
Rhiannon was in favor of spacing him. t'Reilri was mentioning keelhauling.
"Oh, come on now, Llandhe!" T'Saan put in, "I'm not even sure it's possible to keelhaul somebody with a starship."
"You know, it might be possible," Layne mused, "If you used two tractor beams..."
"Aye..." Wright agreed, distracted momentarily from his shop-talk with Banzai and Rhapsody.
Conner, on the other hand, was talking about demotion. Barrington reminded him, though, that should Wiikii be demoted, a system of negative ranks would have to be set up.
"It wouldn't be any problem to extend a plank out an open airlock door..." suggested Rhapsody.
"I'd just like to know how Wiikii was able to do it all by himself!" said Dujhar. "I mean, it shouldn't be that easy to blow up a starship, wiping out four other starships and most of a major shipyard!"
"Yeah, it would've been spectacular!" Layne agreed, "But doesn't self-destruct require three senior officers?"
"Co-correct!" agreed Max, "And, at that time he g-gave the orders, Wiikii was all three!"
"The program may need to be revised..." Horton suggested. "Er, the self-destruct program, I mean... not Max..."
"W-whew!" went Max, who hadn't been looking forward to being 'on the run' in the McKay's computer system.
"Aye, an' this hae shoon us somethin' in McKay's Engineerrrin' plont thot may need corrrrrrectin'!" put in Wright. "Wi' yon doubletalk generrratorrr oot o' th' system, it's nae possible tae blow up th' ship!"
"Which doesn't sound like a half-bad idea!" suggested Dujhar.
"But neitherrr is it possible tae brrring th' mains on-line, beggin' ye'rrr parrrdon, Captain Dujharrr."
"Under rapid startup conditions, the DTG could be bypassed," McKay Chief Engineering Officer Banzai suggested. "It would take some equipment modification..."
"You could cross-connect through the flux capacitor..." suggested Rhapsody.
"Aye, but what aboot th' hysterrresis effects?"
"Perhaps reversing the polarity of the neutron flow..."
"We'd have to watch the magnetic resonance..."
The three engineers' conversation swiftly became quite technical. As he watched them drift over to the Engineering console and start calling up systems diagrams, Captain Dujhar started to slide the plastic-wrapped piece of cake back into the bag he'd pulled it out of.
"Oh, no, Captain!" gasped Rhiannon, who'd a moment ago spoken in favor of spacing Wiikii. "You're not going to keep his cake??"
"Ulp!" went Wiikii.
"Captain, that's cruel, inhumane, and illogical!" agreed T'Saan.
"And, after all, if it hadn't been for Wiikii, we wouldn't know about these problems with the McKay!" added Lieutenant Horton.
Dujhar relented, and tossed Wiikii the cake.
"If it hadn't been for Wiikii -- and Max -- you might've run into a situation one day where you couldn't start the warp drive..." Conner reminded him.
"Or where you couldn't blow up your ship," added Layne, earning dirty looks from both Captains present.
"Wiikii, you're a hero!" enthused Montor Barrington.
"I am?? Er -- I mean, I am!" Wiikii decided to push his luck, and asked very tentatively, "Uh... should I find some Cadet-Lieutenant's insignia?"
Positive she was answering for all officers present on the bridge, Commander Llandhe t'Reilri admonished, "You're not that much of a hero, Wiikii!"